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BIBLE

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love fre jamt dex vuples AQUIVER

First published in the USA in 2014 by Quiver, a member of

Quayside Publishing Group

100 Cummings Center

Suite 406-L

Beverly, MA o1915-6101

www.quiverbooks.com

The Publisher maintains the records relating to images in this book required by 18 USC 2257. Records are located at Rockport Publishers, Inc., 100 Cummings Center, Suite 406-L, Beverly, MA 01915-6101.

1817161514 12345 ISBN: 978-1-59233-614-2

Digital edition published in 2014 eISBN: 978-1-62788-046-6

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Cage, Diana.

The lesbian sex bible : the complete guide to sexual love for same-sex couples / Diana Cage.

pages cm

Includes index.

ISBN 978-1-59233-61 4-2 (hardback)

1. Sex instruction for lesbians. 2. Sexual excitement. 3. Sex. 4. Lesbians--Sexual behavior. I. Title. HQ75.51.C34 2014

306.76'63--dc23

2014004551

Cover design by Burge Agency

Book design by Burge Agency Photography by Ed Fox Enterprises

Printed and bound in China

For Maxe

: Introduction 9

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Introduction

Good sex books help us gain sexual knowledge and have better sex. Better sex is part of having happier lives. Yes, this book is full of tips and techniques, but the real benefit of sex books, and this is coming from someone who reads a ton of them, is that the good ones celebrate sex in a way that makes you want to have more of it. Reading a great sex guide reminds you how much you love sex and makes you want to experiment with new techniques and positions. A good sex guide can make you feel closer to your lover, or if you are single, eager to go out and get frisky with a new person.

Most everything in this book can help you

feel hotter and sexierand more ready for sex, regardless of whether you are partnered or not. Reading this book can help you understand a great deal more about your sexuality. All that knowledge will pay off in the form of confidence and readiness to have sex without shame or fear. You don’t have to love everything in this book, but if reading about new things makes them feel more familiar to you, then I'll consider this book

asuccess.

There's a book by famed lesbian historian Lillian Faderman called To Believe in Women: What Lesbians Have Done for America. Faderman’s premise is that many nineteenth- and twentieth- century civil rights pioneers were lesbians, and this can be traced to the fact that women who weren't tied to heterosexual marriages and heteronormative gender roles had greater social

freedom to create change.

I thought about that book recently as I was reading about ergonomically designed sex toys. It made me think of all the lesbian-designed

sex toys, lesbian-made porn, lesbian-hosted sex patties, and basically all the other aspects of lesbian and queer culture that make the world

a better place for women to get it on with each other. [had a “What Lesbians Have Done for America” moment thinking about the ways that lesbians and queers have focused on improving queer sex lives, from creating sex toys for women with mobility issues to producing ethical pornography with happy, willing participants. Lesbian, bisexual, and queer women have worked hard to create a culture that encourages happy, healthy sexual expression. I see this book as part of that.

This book is for all of us. I have tried to be inclusive toward women of many identities and with different genders and bodies. I use the word lesbian throughout the book, but that is not meant to feel exclusive or unwelcoming to women who don’t identify as lesbians. Choosing a word and sticking to it helps make the text simpler and more readable. I have at different times in my life identified as lesbian, bisexual, or queer, and have dated and had serious relationships with women and men both cis and trans. I know that women come in many different forms. Lesbian, bisexual, bi-curious, queer, or questioning: this book is for you. Trans women and trans men who sleep with women: this book is written with you in mind, too. If you are queer or female bodied and have female partners or want to, then this book was

written with you in mind.

On Our Backs magazine was the first lesbian sex magazine created by women for women.

It was started in 1984 when lesbians were just

coming out of the sex wars and into sex positivity.

It was a huge part of lesbian culture for twenty years. If you were an On Our Backs reader, that was shorthand for “Tm interested in having hot lesbian sex.” The magazine changed hands a few times and had many different editors, each with their own interests and aesthetics. I worked there from 2000 to 2005. I left to move from San Francisco to New York when I was offered my own radio show on Sirius XM. There were ten solid years of my life where my professional job was to live, breathe, and have lesbian sex and then write and talk about it. Now I’ve gone from being a pornographer and talk show host to a gender studies professor. I teach courses

on gender and sexuality and help smart college students understand the ways that our sexuality is regulated and controlled.

I feel lucky to have had that career, and I think

it shaped me into the sex-positive, sex-radical, happily partnered queer woman I am now. I hope that reading this book helps you feel that way, too. This isn’t a recipe book, and I don't give you instructions on what to do every day to have the sex life of your dreams. But I do give you enough concrete information that you'll be able

to handle anything that comes your way sexually.

Ihope you'll keep this book on your nightstand, alongside your favorite vibrator, and use both

regularly.

Great sex is your right, and it’s within your reach.

Happy reading!

GREAT SEX IS YOUR RIGHT, AND IT’S WITHIN YOUR REACH.

Getting in the Mood

Sex is what separates lovers from friends. It fulfills our deepest needs for intimacy and affection. It makes us

feel whole and happy. Sex is, in a word, wonderful. But great sex doesn't just happen. It takes effort. Maybe

you ve been an out lesbian since you were in high school, : or maybe you ve only fantasized about kissinganother : woman. Regardless, we all need the same things to really : enjoy sex: space to explore our desire and security to do

so without feeling judged. Sex is hotter when we feel safe and appreciated, when we have time to relax and get : turned on. :

Our sexuality is part of who we are. When we are in touch with our sexuality we feel confident, attractive, and capable of anything. Good sex makes us happy and increases our feelings of fulfillment. Hot sex also enhances our self- esteem, making us more attractive to potential partners and improving our lives in and out of the bedroom. We agree we should all be having great sex, right? So how do we find it? Sure, you need

a lover, but attracting the right lover is a process that starts with figuring out who you are and what you want. It also requires that you appreciate yourself and all the amazing things you have to offer.

CONFIDENCEIS MANDATORY

You must feel good about yourself to have good sex. That is nonnegotiable. Spend time taking care of yourself. Get into your grooming, take care of your body, and dress in ways that make you feel like cruising. Nourish your sex drive. Let friends and lovers know about your interest in sex. Talk openly about sex. Wanting and enjoying sex is nothing to feel ashamed of. Don't be shy. Let potential dates and lovers know they’re in good hands.

YOUR BODY

I don't care if you are fat or thin or neither or other or in between. Your body is sexy. Your butt is sexy. Your boobs are sexy. Everything about you is sexy. And women who love their bodies are especially sexy. When we don’t love ourselves and our bodies, it shows. The most imperfect person will get lots of positive attention if she carries herself with confidence. It’s easy to get hung up on comparing ourselves to other people we think are more attractive than us. It’s a waste of time. Queer standards of beauty are different from the standards of beauty set by mainstream society. That's one of the amazing things about being a dyke—playing by your own rules.

Smiling, laughing, and being playful and flirtatious are all sexy. Speaking your mind makes you sexy. Being independent makes you sexy. Making eye contact makes you sexy. Knowing how to please a partner makes you sexy. Being

yourself is sexy.

TEN WAYS TO FEEL SEXY

1. Make eye contact with a cute stranger.

2. Watch the sex scenes between Violet and Corky in Bound.

3. Find a hot role model and borrow some of her style ideas.

4.Write a perfect OKCupid profile. 5. Go to a sex party. 6. Shop online for new sex toys.

7. Look at lesbian Tumbirs like fuckyeahdykes. tumblr.com.

8. Watch instructional rope tying videos on YouTube.

9. Dance alone in your house.

10. Attend a sex-education workshop at your local feminist co-op.

WHAT TO EXPECT

Lesbian sexis often undermined and mis- represented by the mainstream. Surely most of us have had the teeth-cringing, soul-sucking question “What do lesbians do in bed?” asked of us at least once. The irony, of course, is that lesbians and queer women have been in the

avant-garde of sex for a longtime. Lesbian

sexual culture is rich and innovative. From early research and writing about the clitoris and G-spot

to pioneering sex toys to endurance training for

multiple orgasms, lesbians have given the gift of

great sex to a greater proportion of the population

than you'd likely expect.

LESBIANS AND QUEER WOMEN HAVE BEEN IN THE AVANT-GARDE OF SEX FOR A LONG TIME.

There's no ultimate act of lesbian sex. Lesbians and queers get it on in every way, meaning there is no right or wrong way. Where you start depends on what you're into. It also depends on what kind of queer you are and who you're

having sex with.

FLIRT FIRST

Flirting is how we transition from the regular conversations with people in our everyday lives into seduction mode. Flirting tells potential lovers that we are interested in gettingit on. Flirting

makes everyone feel great.

Start by making eye contact. Touch her and let your hand linger on her arm. Smile seductively. Flatter the object of your attention. Compliment her appearance, her intelligence, her voice, whatever it is you notice about her. Use your body to indicate your interest. Leaning in and keeping your arms apart with your palms up

and your shoulders facing your partner are signs that you're open. Facing away, with your arms together or crossed, are signs you're closed off. Be

. . IE . mindful ofthe signals you’re givingand getting.

Don't be timid. Approach a woman with confidence and start a conversation. Listen to her as she speaks. Ask her about herself. Talk about insignificant things at first to gauge her interest. If she responds positively, then you can take the conversation a little deeper. And if that goes well, then you are ready for the next step: kissing.

KISSING

Always start slowly. Lean in closely. The hottest part of a kiss is that moment just before it happens when you know you are about to start kissing. Enjoy that moment by leaning in until your faces are almost touching. Stay there. Let the tension build. Make her come to you.

When you are ready to kiss her, keep your lips soft and limit the tongue action at first. Let the excitement build. Close your eyes and think about the feeling of her mouth on yours. Think about the sensation of her lips and tongue. Pay very close attention to her movements. Mimic her moves. Does it feel like she wants more?

Is she leaning in closer and kissing you more aggressively? Go for it. Match your intensity level to hers. Pay attention to some of the things she does. Her movements are full of clues about the way she wants to be kissed. You can also show an overly aggressive kisser how you like to be kissed by encouraging her to follow your lead. Pull back from an aggressive kiss and come in with softer, lighter kisses. Repeat this until your date begins

to mimic your kissing style.

Break up long, deep, hard kisses with soft, light ones. Nibble and suck at her lips. Use your tongue. Place light soft licks along her top lip. Nibble her bottom lip gently between your teeth. Avoid wet sloppy kisses; no one likes that.

Kiss her neck and throat and any other exposed skin like her shoulders and collarbones. Place small, light kisses on her cheeks, earlobes, and other delightful spots. You can pause between kisses to whisper seductive things in her ear. ‘Tell her all the things you want to do to her. Compliment her. Tell her what a good kisser she is. Tell her how much you want her.

Nibble her lips and neck. Bite her softly. Good places to place small soft bites are along the neck and jawline. Don't bite hard! Do it softly. You want your bites to feel good and to increase the

tension and excitement. Keep it light but firm.

Everyone loves long make-out sessions. Don’t be in a rush to move from kissing to whatever comes next. Sometimes a hot make-out session is all you need. Kiss for a long time. And once you've moved on to other things, you can always slow down the action by returning to kissing and

making out.

Be careful with the tongue action. Always

keep your tongue soft—no jabbing or hard thrusting motions. It’s not hot. It’s also a bit ofa boner-kill to be covered in spit. Kiss passionately but not sloppily.

USE YOUR BODY

‘Touch her while you kiss her. Press your body against hers. Caress her neck, shoulders, breasts, and other body parts. Try putting your hands

on your lover's face while you kiss her. Touch

her throat softly while you kiss. This move can increase her feelings of vulnerability, which some

people find exciting.

Touch your date’s hair while you make out. Stroke it. Pullit lightly. Ifshe has long hair, wrap your fist in it and tug. Don’t pull hard, just grip

it firmly in a way that lets her know you are in charge. If she has short hair, stroke the nape of her neck. Run your fingers over the back of her neck

and stroke the back of her head while you kiss.

‘Touch your lover's breasts while you kiss. Stroke them lightly at first. Does she like it? If she leans in for more contact, give it to her. If she pulls

away, leave it. She’s telling you no. She may not

enjoy having her breasts touched. Don't push her.

If she likes it, keep going. Stroke the sides of her breasts. Graze her nipples with the palm of your hand. Pinch and pull them with your fingers. Alternate stroking her breasts with stimulating her nipples.

You can show her how you like your breasts touched by guiding her hands with your own. Place her hands on your breasts and cup her hands around yours. Encourage her to cup your

breasts and stroke your nipples.

POREPLAY

Flirting and kissing are incredible beginnings, and the longer you enjoy them the easier and hotter sex will be. Taking time to get turned on makes it more likely that you will both enjoy sex and come easily and more quickly. Take your time and let anticipation build. Spend more time

fooling around.

Find her pleasure spots. How does she like to be touched? Pay attention to her responses. Stroke her waist and hips while you kiss. If she is more on the masculine side, stroke her chest above her breasts and run your hands over her strong arms. The hottest way to compliment your lover is to show her how much she is turning you on. Make appreciative noises. Moan and whisper sexy things. Encourage your lover to touch you more and to experiment. Ask for more. Ask her to touch your breasts and nipples or to stroke your ass and hips.

Neck, shoulders, and breasts get tons of attention, so make a point of lavishing touch on other parts of her bod. Kiss her belly, her thighs, the insides of her elbows. Leave no body part untouched.

Take Your Time. Yes, everyone likes a quickie sometimes, but most of the time we want tons of foreplay. Don't rush it. Foreplay is time to take it slow. Tease her. Really tease her. It’s much sexier for her to be begging for more than asking you to back off. Remember, there is no “main event” to get to. No matter what you are doing, you are having sex. Lesbian sex—any sex, really—has no beginning, middle, or end. It’s all an ongoing experience with different phases. Enjoy whatever is happening in the moment. When the buildup becomes unbearable, you can switch to more focused activities, but no one has ever complained about too much long, slow,

intense teasing.

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO BEVIN BRANLANDINGHAM

Body Liberation Coach and Writer of QueerFatFemme.com

“Self-care is the first step to getting properly laid. You won't be in a receptive state to experience and enjoy someone else's body

unless you're taking care of your own body!”

Start Early. No need to wait until you are face to face. Send her a suggestive text or email in the middle of the day. She'll fantasize about you all day and the hours until she sees you will feel like torture.

Likewise, think about your rendezvous on and off throughout the day. Feel excited, confident, and sexy. Think about your own boundaries and

what you want!

GROOMING AND ATTIRE

A long hot shower or bath puts you in the mood and gives you confidence. You'll be more relaxed during sex if you know that every part of your body is clean enough to lick. Don't forget your feet! More than once Pve been surprised by a lover putting my toes in her mouth. Groom like it’s your job; you never know where someone’s

mouth will end up.

Bust out your sexiest undies. No need to wear femme fatale lingerie unless that’s what you are into. Boy shorts, clean A-shirts, boxer briefs, and other dykey underthings look hot on all genders. Be creative. Find a look you feel good in. You are a sexual superhero, so dress the part.

Undress Slowly. It took a long time to choose your date-night ensemble, so let it take a long time to come off. Unbutton a few buttons on her shirt or yours, then go back to kissing. Take off your shirt but leave your bra on. No need to get naked right away. Take off one item of clothing at a time.

Resume making out in between taking items off.

A PLACE TO PLAY

Let’s talk about your bedroom. Set up your bed and bedroom for maximum pleasure. You need more than just a bed—you need a love den. Start with your lighting, as it's the cheapest thing to fix. A glaring overhead light is more gyno office than hot hookup. Find some cute lamps or place string lights along your headboard. You want your date to feel sexy and confident. Dim, flattering light will have her prancing around nude. Candles are great, of course, but a little dangerous. You could knock them over in the heat of passion. The best-case scenario means you are scraping wax off the floor; the worst-case scenariois you and your hookup are shivering on the street corner while firefighters beat back flames to save your

, roommate s cat.

MUSIC

Soft, sexy music puts everyone in the mood. It adds instant romance to your sexcapades and also drowns out sex noises so your roommates don't get grossed out. Make some sexy playlists so that when you are ready to go, you just need to turn the music on. For years I’d just put my iPod on shuffle and get lulled into a false sense of security by a block of old-school R&B only to get rudely interrupted by something random and unsexy. A sexy playlist is much safer.

YOUR BED

Is your bed good for sex? Is it big enough? Take stock of your bed situation and make sure you are offering your lover a place to relax and get in the mood. Change the sheets before your date in case you get lucky. If you can afford it, splurge on high- thread-count sheets and quality pillows. Your bed should feel special and luxurious. You should want to spend time in it. Keep clean towels handy

for when things get messy.

YOUR NIGHTSTAND DRAWER ‘This is where all the important easy-to-reach items get stashed. Make sure you have a vibrator, latex gloves, condoms, dental dams, lube, and baby wipes for quick cleanup. You might also want a couple of small toys like a butt plug and maybe some handcuffs.

BATHROOM QUICKIES

Bathroom make-outs-we've all done it, and why not? It’s practically a baby dyke rite of passage. Even the most seasoned among us have those nights when we really can’t wait to get home and get it on. And nothing says | need you right now like dragging someone into the bathroom at the bar. Here are a few tips to make that bathroom-stall bang alittle

more fun.

Courtesy comes first! If you are out witha lover and you two decide you need a quickie, make sure it’s really a quickie. No one wants

to wait ina line that's ten dykes deep. Your bang session should take five minutes tops.

Need more? Get in a cab and head for home.

Bathrooms have sinks. Take advantage of them, and wash your hands before you do anything. Clubs and bars can be pretty dirty places and you don’t want to touch your date with dirty hands.

If you want to go down on your lover but don't

want your knees touching the floor, sit her up on the tank and straddle the toilet seat (close the lid, obviously); this should give you easy access.

An advantage of cubicle-style bathrooms is that the walls are generally the perfect height for reaching up and grabbing on to, especially if you are fucking (or being fucked) from behind.

SEX ETIQUETTE

Just because you're naked doesn't mean you don't need to be polite. It’s just as important to have good manners during sex as anywhere else. Any courtesy that applies to any other type of

interaction also applies to sex.

1. Check in with your hookup. How does she feel? Is she is getting the kind of attention she wants? Ask her. What else does she need? Stop and touch her, kiss her, say something lewd. It may be that she needs a break to talk and cuddle, or she may be dying of frustration and wants to fuck. Talk to her while you make out. You won't

know how she is feeling unless you ask.

2. Don't push. Everyone gets to choose his or her own comfort level. There are two of you, and this means there are two different sets of tastes and preferences. While being introduced to new things during sex can be very hot, being pushy about it can be a turnoff.

3. Pay attention. Don’t lose yourself in one activity. There is a lot more to sex than just getting off. Pay attention to what's going on and you will be able to better navigate her body and your needs. Don't get greedy. It’s good to be in the

moment, as longas you stay connected.

4. Relax and take a break from time to time. Sometimes people just need a rest. You can take a break from kissing and just stroke and touch each other. It’s perfectly fine to come up for air and

just talk; it makes everything last longer.

5. Have a sense of humor. Sex is funny. It looks weird. It sounds odd. People look funny when they are having sex. Don't get freaked out and feel weird. Funny things happen. It’s okay to laugh.

6. Make your hookup feel special. Give compliments. Say dirty, nasty, hot things. Get her riled up.

7. It’s great to be on top, but don’t boss anyone around. Directing the action is fun, as long as you pay attention to your date’s response. If she doesn't like where you are taking things, back off. Do not under any circumstances criticize

anyone’s techniques or behavior.

8. This really shouldn't have to be said, but I'll say it anyway: be nice to the people you are having sex with.

Tell Me What You Want

Do yourself a favor and learn to talk freely and comfortably about sex. I can't stress this enough. I’m sure : you ve heard that good sex requires communication. In 2 fact, you probably hear it all the time. You might even

have heard it so often that you don't take it seriously anymore. But I can tell you without a doubt that once I learned to talk openly about sex and desire, my sex life became so much better. It was always good, but learning communication skills made it amazing.

OPEN COMMUNICATION IS KEY

There's more to sexual communication than just learning to talk about what you want in bed. What Iam encouraging is learning how to talk openly about all kinds of sex in a way that feels natural and comfortable. The more comfortable you are when you discuss desire, the more comfortable your partner will be and the more she will open up and tell you what she really wants. Getting good at talking about sex has as many rewards as learning techniques and sex skills. In fact, you can't really have one without the other.

Talking about sex should make you and your lover feel sexy. The absolute most important rule is to never criticize or complain. We are all vulnerable when we have sex. We’re all invested in making our dates feel good. And criticism and complaints just shut everything down and make the other person feel ashamed and resentful. Learn to ask for what you want ina way that makes your lover want to give it to you. Both confidence and shame are contagious. If you stumble with embarrassment when talking about sex, then your date will feel inhibited and the conversation will go nowhere. If you speak freely and conyey confidence, she'll be more likely to open up and match your style.

Tlearned how to talk about sex through reading about sex. The biggest influences on me have been Barbara Carrellas, Annie Sprinkle, Dossie Easton, Janet Hardy, Kate Bornstein, Carol Queen, Julia Serano, Helen Boyd, Patrick

Califia, Ducky Doolittle, and many others. Readingabout sex, sexuality, gender, desire, and allthe other best parts ofsex gave me confidence and a sexual vocabulary. Reading the work of these authors helped me understand who I am sexually and whom I want to have sex with. I learned to feel good about sex and to feel that

I deserve to have as much of it as I want. Once you've finished reading this book, look up some of the authors mentioned and read their work, too. I’m pretty sure you'll find that being a sex nerd has many rewards.

LISTEN EFFECTIVELY

Learning to listen effectively is just as important as talking clearly. One good technique for listening is to let your partner speak without interruption. When she is finished, confirm that you understand her. Demonstrate that you heard her by repeating the gist of what she has just said. Once it’s clear that you understand each other, you can ask questions, add to her ideas, or make counterpoints.

I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'LL FIND THAT BEING A SEX NERD HAS MANY REWARDS.

Talking about sex makes us feel vulnerable. Be sure to give your partner extra reassurance and support. Hug her, touch her while she talks, and provide lots of verbal affection and positive reinforcement. She has taken a chance by choosing to communicate her needs. Make

the experience a positive one so she'll want

to doit again.

IGNORE THE AWKWARD

I’ve saved some very awkward hookups by simply refusing to give in to the awkward feelings. We are all awkward sometimes. It’s okay. Sometimes we fumble when strapping it on, our bodies

make embarrassing noises, or we get freaked

out and need to stop the action. There are many ways to not be smooth, and sometimes we just aren't smooth. The worst thing you can do when something feels awkward or embarrassingis to let it get to you. Having a dorky moment? Make light

of it. Fumbling with a strap-on harness? Turn on

the charm and ask her to help you out. Your body makes an embarrassing sound? Ignore it. It never happened—or if you've been dating for a long time, then go ahead and laugh. Sometimes sex

is funny.

PU MUTA

REINFORCE THE POSITIVE Always reinforce the positive. If you like something your lover is doing, say so. Be vocal about it. Give positive feedback. You can moan and groan and make appreciative sounds in the moment, and you can say things like, “Oh my God, that was fantastic,’ when you are done. Ifshe’s doing something right and you want tomake sure she does it again, then show your appreciation. If something isn’t working, finda

way to reroute the action.

Boundaries are good. It’s totally cool to say you don’t like something. Just try not to say itina way that makes the other person feel as if she’s done something wrong. Be sensitive to what's going on. Pay attention. If what she is doingisn’t working,

encourage her to move on to something else.

LEARN TO READ SIGNALS

If your date has been oohing and ahhing and suddenly goes silent, she could either be close to coming or not thrilled by the direction things are going. Look for clues. Are her eyes shut tight? Is she breathing heavily? Is she tense? These are signs of arousal, so keep going. If she seems to have checked out, something isn’t right. Try a

new move.

GET COMFORTABLE IN

YOUR SKIN

Never self-deprecate. If your self-esteem is less than stellar, fake it. She likes your body or she wouldn't be in bed with you. Saying unflattering things about yourself will only kill the mood. Fake it if you have to, but don't give in to the urge to

put yourself down. Never apologize for yourself. Revere your body and your dates will, too.

BEING A HORNY, HEALTHY SEXPOT IS GREAT!

IT’S OKAY TO WANT SEX

Feeling desire is a good thing. It means you are alive. Sometimes we feel embarrassed by desire, as ifit’s not cool to actually want someone. That's silly. Being a horny, healthy sexpot is great! Don't be embarrassed to ask someone to get down. Don't play so hard to get you never get any.

It’s a common lezzie problem that no one ever wants to make the first move. Women are taught to wait for the other person to express interest. Break out of the rut and ask for what you want. Empower yourself and kick those patriarchal limitations to the curb! Dykes find directness sexy. State your business. Go ahead, admit you

want sex. Guess what? Everyone does.

D | TEU Me Waat Yan Want

TALKING WITH YOUR LOVER ABOUT SEX

Make it a habit to talk about sex. If you wait until there's a problem, it's harder to bringit up. But

if you talk freely about sex on a regular basis, then no one feels weird when you need to talk about something. Try and talk about sex as if

it’s a normal part of your daily routine. If you

are newly dating, you can talk with your lover about new things to try in bed. Ifyou are a more established couple, try planning elaborate sex dates. Making sex talk a part of your daily routine will increase the odds of you getting laid!

Get comfortable with a sexual vocabulary. Use dirty words and clinical ones interchangeably. ‘Talking about sex won't ruin the spontaneity or kill the mystery; instead, it will infuse all of your activities with an erotic charge. Learn to treat sex as something special and wonderful but also normal and shame-free.

DIRTY TALK IS GREAT FUN, AND WHEN DONE WELL IT IS PRACTICALLY AN

INSTANT TURN-ON.

TALK ABOUT SEX WHEN YOU'RE NOT HAVING IT

Talking about sex and fantasies when you aren't having sex can be really hot. You can recap the events of the previous night over coffee in the morning. Talk about how great it was. Bringup things you found particularly exciting. Praise her skills. Your date will make mental note of the things you mention and likely repeat things you particularly liked the next time you have sex.

Talk about sex while you are out with your lover. Bring up something you'd like to do later that night. You might start by complimenting your date on her appearance. Tell her that hernew short haircut makes her look really hot or that the dress she's wearingis sexy. Remind her that you find her really attractive and sexually exciting, and then find a way to insinuate one of your

desires during the conversation. You have to be

subtle. You want her to pick up your hint but still beleft wondering what exactly you were trying to tell her. Some suggestions: mention you had

a dream in which she was holding you down while you fucked, or you were holding her down, depending on your top/bottom preferences. Maybe tell her it turns you on to think about how hot her body looks when she’s on all fours. Whatever your fantasy is, talk about it in a subtle, sexy way. She'll have sex on the brain for the rest of the evening.

TALK DIRTY

One of the easiest ways to talk about sex is to talk about it while you are actually getting it on. I don’t mean you need to start barking out instructions, but a few whispered requests or subtle commands can really get things going. ‘Talking dirty gets everyone hot.

‘Try talking dirty with a new lover. Tell her how to touch you while you are in bed with her. Learn to say explicit things. Teach yourself to become comfortable with dirty words and sex talk. This is one of the best gifts you can give

yourself and your sex partners. A few well-placed

directives (“I like the way you are touching me” or “Please do that harder”) can be a good start. ‘Talking dirty can be as simple as saying “I want you,” or it can be a really smutty pornographic monologue. Sometimes people simply mutter sex words while they are getting it on—a string of obscenities can be really hot. Dirty talk can also take the form of a set of strict instructions. Thad a lover who had really mastered this skill. She'd wait until we were at a crucial point and whisper nastily in my ear that I should pull down my panties, turn around, and stick my ass in the air and my face in the pillow. And you'd better bet I did what she told me. Who could resist instructions like that?

Dirty talk is great fun, and when done well it is practically an instant turn-on. It’s a real skill. If you doit right, it can really work in your favor. It works because we don’t expect it. Well- placed dirty talk makes you seem confident, experienced, and dirty minded.

Name-calling is another trick to try. Try calling your lover nasty names or maybe some sweet ones. She can be your “baby,” your “slut,” your “nasty whore,” your “beautiful goddess.” If she’s more of a boy, she can be your “stud,” your

“daddy,” or your “bad little boy.”

When you tell a partner what you want, you improve the sex for both of you. She shouldn’t have to guess how you want to be fucked any more than you should be lying in bed frustrated wishing she'd flip you over.

PU PM UTL

GAINING A SEXY VOGABULARY If dirty words feel unnatural to you, start by reading erotica out loud in bed until you are comfortable with a sexual vocabulary. Once the words feel good to you, try describing what she's doing to you as she's doingit. Or ask her what she wants in very explicit terms. And keep asking until she tells you. Don't let her get away with a simple shrug or “I don't know. I like everything.” She doesn’t mean that. She knows exactly what she wants; she’s just too shy to tell you. Keep at it until you get her to talk to you. This